LISTENING

We all know when someone has listened to us because we generally feel calmer and in a way satisfied. We may not have resolved our issues or reached any great insight but there is comfort in knowing that someone else understands our struggles. Often we aren't looking for someone to fix our problems or even tell us what to do. We just want an opportunity to express ourselves in an accepting environment.

On the other hand we also know when we haven't been heard, when our thoughts, feelings and ideas are diminished, discounted or just plain shut down. In this case we often feel frustrated, angry and even hurt.

It seems that it is far more common to feel shut down then it is to feel listened to. We have to ask ourselves why this is the case.

Perhaps in a culture of speed and multitasking we simply don't allot time to listening. We have been conditioned to accept that information comes in bit size amounts now. We text one another in abbreviations and have actually created a whole new language in this fashion. It seems that quantity over quality has become the truism.

By contrast listening takes time and patience. It requires the listener to stop, slow down and de-centre. This means we have to stop our internal chatter. We can't multitask. We have to attend 100% to the other person. We can't be focused on what we want to say next. In fact, we have to stop talking so we can actually hear what the other has to say.

Perhaps learning to listen is linked with knowing how to be still and quiet. Do we know how to stop talking, stop moving, stop the busy work? How often do we stop all the noise and stimulus just to hear the silence? How about listening to ourselves, how often do we hear our own internal musings? How good are we at listening to our need for quiet, rest or respite?

Pema Chodron suggests we take a pause. In her book Taking the Leap she writes about the value in building timed pauses into our daily life. She says some people decide to pause every time they open their computer or when the phone rings.

The pause can simply be a moment to breath or just look up from what we are doing. It can be a way of breaking the habit of speed and impulsively reacting. When we pause deliberately we tune into ourselves and our environment. We may notice that we are tense, agitated or even sleepy. Tending to these states is important.

Building moments to pause in our daily life will help us develop the ability to get comfortable with being quiet and still. This in turn will help us build the patience and the skills we need to be good listeners. It's a win win for all of us.